17 - CATHETER (PART 1) - DON'T BE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR URINE NOW!

I'm now a huge fan of the catheter. 

In my life they have been incredibly important on a number of occasions. Such a simple piece of equipment with a great pain and pee relieving capacity. They really do take the piss out of you!

My first experience of catheterisation was in September 2010. I'd fallen out my upstairs bedroom window during the night. I was either sleepwalking or heading to the loo for a pee but I'll never know which because the memory was knocked clean out of me on impact. 

I landed in the garden 17 feet below. Apart from flashbacks of the ambulance ride through the Wicklow mountains to hospital I don't recall much after that until I came round in a north Dublin hospital ward surrounded by anxious family. 

The following days and weeks weren't easy. I'd broken a few bones in my neck so the medical people had put me in a straight jacket to stop me moving - body, neck and head all bolted together in a frame. My arse and thighs were a blended colour combination of green, blue, piss-yellow & pure ink black caused by bruising from the impact. The biting chronic pain from that was very profound and I have much to thank my dearest friend morphine for, for being there when I needed it! To be able to self administer with my very own analgesia pump was blissful release when the pain got too much to bear.

In the midst of all the turmoil there was some good. Days after surgery I suddenly had a worrying thought. I hadn't been to the toilet since arriving in the ward so where was my fecking pee going? Even then it seems that urinary retention was on my mind.

I quickly brought this to the attention of a nurse fully expecting her to press a panic button and have me rushed in to surgery but she just smiled awkwardly and told me "You are with a catheter Mr Woods. You don't have to be worrying about your urine now!" That took a while to sink in.

Catheter!? ..... Me!? ..... Ca-the-ter!? ... WTF!!!?

Back then I knew very little about catheters. I was young - like! Catheters were things that old people had to use because their ancient innards didn't work anymore, so the words 'you' and 'catheter' used in the same sentence did not compute.

Men are very protective of their nether region. It's where their crown jewels are kept warm and safe and separated from the hostile world around. The thought of them being interfered with surgically is the stuff of cringing, wincing and nightmares. The idea of a tube being pushed up your dick just isn't an easy thing to accommodate - and without one's own consent! 

The bottom line is - stuff comes out your dick - it isn't meant to go up it! That just isn't natural! 

Being confined to my hospital bed I didn't dwell on that for long though. Not having to piss from one end of the day to the other was simply wonderful and I adjusted instantaneously to the new order of things - the simple, painless penile intervention. That catheter was a keeper!

After leaving hospital there was an 11 year gap until my next catheter encounter. I wish it hadn't been that long.

In 2021 my dad started using an indwelling catheter - one you don't remove. He had his own prostate problems and couldn't control his pee. His carers drained the attached leg bag several times a day and fitted a night bag before he went to sleep. To say he was very glass half empty about this is an understatement. Whilst allowing their use (he had no choice) he absolutely detested them, but they were a necessary evil from which dad's quality of life was much improved (and the amount of time my mum spent doing laundry!) You could tell however that he was discombobulated by having the penis he'd had life long single control of being manhandled by ladies he trusted and respected but didn't know. Whilst I presently see catheters in a positive light I can't say I'm looking forward to the arrival of that day in my older age.

16 - HAVING A POT TO PISS IN - THE GOLDILOCKS CUP

Let's face it - even in 2023 there are many advantages to being male - broader job opportunities, bigger pay packets and of course no bloody monthly period to deal with. Being able to pee standing up at a urinal without removing layers of clothing is WELL up there as are the far more numerous public toilet fixings available to us.

 

I mean what caballe of women-hating male architects is it that continues to stamp its mark on female toilets the world over with a "give them a couple of cubicles and let them line up and wait" approach to toilet (restroom) design?

I've always felt a bit guilty walking past the women queuing outside the female toilets whilst I head straight in to the men's to pee. Recently however I've come to accept and appreciate the thinking. In fact from where I'm standing it's simple - veeeeerrrrry simple. Women don't have a prostate ergo women can hold their pee. Bingo!! Line them up baby 😂!!

Public toilets have nevertheless come to be a place of disappointment for me. It doesn't matter how many urinals there are if you can't even piss properly in to one of them. For this reason my visits have dwindled to a trickle over the last years. 

When you're urgently needing to piss 5 or 6 times an hour it's not practicable to find a pot to piss in every time. You have to find a more immediate, convenient and private way to meet your urgent urge. 

For many years I used the roadside when driving - finding somewhere out of public view. These days I prefer to piss in a pot in the comfort of my own car - my mobile urinal! With recent disclosures about Amazon drivers having to do the same I'm no longer shy about admitting this - I really don't give a damn. Besides I know for a fact from talking to fellow prostate-heads that I'm far from alone. We piss-in-a-potters are legion!

If it shocks or surprises you to read about my car seat-pot-pissing then I congratulate you on your continued membership of the exclusive Club Urinal - where the pee flows freely night and day. Please just try to avoid mockery - it could well be you before too long.

I started pot-pissing about 7 years ago after the blackout I described in the post titled 'DRIVING ON - HOLDING OFF'. Since then I've honed my car seat urination technique and established which receptacles get me the best most sanitary results.

There are now many purpose made contraptions for capturing your pee - a strong indication of the demand that's there for the need they serve - but I've never used any of them.

I'm a bit old school and I prefer to repurpose used containers, whatever is to hand in the footwells of my untidy car 👊 ...

I've used empty yoghurt cartons, cut off soft drink cans, plastic bottles, tetrapack cartons, even crisp packets and plastic bags at a pinch. All these function passably well as a means of gathering pee and so avoiding saturating the seat between my legs but in one way or another they aren't an ideal fit. 

With anything cut off there's the real risk of cutting yourself on the ragged edges. As with a nick from a razor blade whilst shaving, a drinks can cut can take some time to heal so try very hard to avoid!

With the wrong sized or shaped containers there's the risk of splashing, overflow and spillage - especially if you're driving. Avoid this at all cost unless you never carry passengers in your pungent smelling vehicle!

                                                                              

One container has become my go-to favourite: the modest, disposable regular size double walled coffee cup. It's my 'Goldilocks cup' - neither too big nor too small, but just the right size.

As a between the legs pee collector it ticks every box - 

* It's sturdy but flexible. ✔️

* It tucks nicely between your cock and your balls thus preventing back dribbling into your pants. ✔️

* It's big enough to hold a decent amount of pee but not too big to be cumbersome. ✔️

* It's wide rimmed, enabling fast and easy knob placement when you're in a hurry. ✔️

* The rim is made from soft moulded cardboard so there's no risk of chaffing or cutting. ✔️

* The sides are flexible and can be squeezed to fit between your thighs. ✔️

* Once you've peed you can reshape the cup and fit the lid on to prevent spillage.

One warning of your thinking of going out and getting one for your own use - don't forget what's inside and take a lazy swig. If you do you'll be in Helen Mirren country!

If

Though it's been years since I drank takeaway coffee I keep one of these cups between the seats in my car at all times.

There's a knack to peeing in a coffee cup in a way that ensures you don't end up dribbling over yourself after you think you're finished. It isn't easy but with a bit of patience and practice it's doable.

Never forget about the contents of the pot you've pissed in - empty them out as soon as possible. Whilst the actress Helen Mirren believes in the medicinal power of drinking a little of your own freshly peed pee every day I don't recommend taking a gulp without knowing what you're about to swallow. Day's old urine can't possibly be good for you!!